Train of Thought
by first
Summary: You were never, ever supposed to cause the fear


_Wake up. _Wake up.

Syd.  

Of course it's Syd.  Who else would it be.  Sydney.  Always there when you're in pain.  No.  Scratch that.  Not just when you're in pain.  Always.  There.

She's sleeping.  _Wake her up.  No don't wake her up.  _"Syd."  _Nice going there Vaughn._

Oh god.  Oh god her eyes are open.  There she is.  Oh lord there she is and what do you do now because she is so beautiful – _so _beautiful you couldn't look away even if you tried.  And she's looking at you.  _You.  Vaughn.  _You can't think of what you did to deserve something like that.  And oh lord look at her eyes.  Her eyes and the fear and oh no it's you.  You caused the fear.  _You were never, ever supposed to cause the fear.  _You were the antidote to the fear.  You _swore _you'd never make her afraid.  And now look what you've done.  _Bastard.  You traitor.  _

And now she's saying something.  Wondering if you're okay.  No.  Telling you that you're okay.  You're okay?  What. Happened.  

_Oh. Shit.  _

_You forgot._

She stabbed you.  Stabbed you in the ribs with a knife and oh how it hurt and you gasped and it burned and they kicked you to the ground.  You fell so far down.  So far down that hill and then you stopped breathing and moving and _being.  _

She did this to you.  And you could fucking care less.  She stabbed you and you were going to die and you could fucking.  care.  less.  She could _kill _you and in your parting words you'd assure her that she'd done the right thing.  Because that's what you were for her.  Are for her.  Will always be for her.  You love her and she loves you and you love each other always forever everlasting neverending –

" … made me realize how much I miss you."

And there it is.  _Why thank you Sydney why don't you hop on over here and we'll just get right back to business because my god even after so long we're still up for re-heating dinner and –_

"I miss you too."

Yeah.  Tell her something fresh and new and I'm sure it had never even crossed her mind that you missed her because why in the hell would you miss her you ass – 

"You do?"

_Whoa.  _You were being sarcastic.  Since when does Syd not believe you and why does this seem so surreal and ohmygod she's leaning down and why does it seem like this hasn't happened for a while and Oh.  My.  God.  She's kissing you and it feels like you haven't kissed in so long and you haven't kissed in so long because – wait.  You can't remember and you know there's a reason a really terrible, silly reason and why can't you remember but it doesn't matter because your tears are mixing with hers and it all tastes so delicious and all you want is to keep doing this forever but then she lifts her hand up and _ohmygod it's a knife_.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Eyes.  Open.

Blond hair.  Something glimmers.  A diamond ring on someone's finger and then it comes into focus and oh yeah.  That ring.  You put it there.  

_Look up Vaughn.  But no.  You don't want to look up because WHERE IN THE HELL IS SYDNEY.  _

And then you look up.  And she's scared too but you don't have to feel like a traitor for making her scared because she's different – she's not like the other one.  You don't feel like that with her.  You don't need to feel like that with her because all you ever need to feel with her is comfort and that _is _all you ever feel with her and why don't you feel bad about that?  

Well you do.  Sometimes.  But then you pull out the watch and remember why you only feel comfort.  Because every other emotion is trapped inside someone else's heart but my god you don't want them back to give to Lauren.  God forbid you ever got them back.

She's saying something to you.  Some sort of mess of comforting _yeah comforting _words that would mean a lot more if she wasn't so damn distracting.  _Stop it Lauren.  Stop talking.  Stop talking because you've just had a dream you wish had been real and can't you see that Lauren?  _

_Hug her.  Hug her and she'll feel safe again.  _And she does.  She pulls back and smiles with tears in her eyes and _come on Vaughn can't you sum up some tears so you two can be equal in emotion for once.  _  

She's leaving.  Walking out the door and turning around before she's out of sight to show you just how brave she is by walking away so soon because she thinks you expected her to be melting into the floor dying of fear and terror but no you definitely did not.  You didn't even expect her to be there.  


End file.
